For some tax day relief, I pass along this Tragic Opera, which I received
via my good friend Nancy Nicolls at Indiana University. Lloyd Fricker,
where ever you are, Thank you! -- Winnie Ennenga, Northern Arizona University

 Il Destino di Grant Application
 A Tragic Opera in Three Acts

 by Lloyd Fricker

 Cast (in order of vocal appearance)

 Alfredo, a professor ........................................ Baritone
 Wu Li, a postdoc ............................................ Tenor
 Kathy, another postdoc ................................... Alto
 Nicolette, Alfredo's secretary ............................ Soprano
 Adriana, Alfredo's wife ..................................... Soprano
 Bubba, Alfredo's son .......................................Tenor
 Julieta, Alfredo's daughter ............................... Soprano
 Stephano, Scientific Review Administrator ...........Bass
 Doug, Grants Technical Assistant ......................Tenor
 Erminio, another professor................................. Bass

 Act I, Alfredo's Office
The curtain rises on Alfredo in his office; nearby, his postdocs, Wu Li and
Kathy, are hard at work on a manuscript that has  been rejected by Nature.
In a dramatic opening aria, the researchers lament the fact that the
journal reviewers found their manuscript unexciting ("Il reviewers sono
molto stupidi"). Nicolette, Alfredo's secretary, arrives with a box of
grant applications that Alfredo, as an NIH reviewer, must evaluate. Alfredo
opens it, and finding only 12 applications, rejoices. He is joined by the
two postdocs and the secretary in a quartet extolling the virtues of having
but 12 applications to read ("Il  lighto loado"). Their happiness soon
turns to sorrow, however, as Alfredo discovers a note indicating that he is
to be the primary reviewer on an additional 18 applications that will
arrive at a later date ("Il grande boxo di granti"). The four lament the
twist of fate, Murphy's law, and the Peter Principle. Alfredo, grieved that
he will have no time to spend with his lab group or family for the next six
weeks, departs sadly homeward bearing the box of applications.

Act II - Scene 1, Alfredo's office (one month later)
Alfredo is still hard at work on the applications, having completed only
four. He sings a sad aria Stefano, the Scientific Review Administrator for
his study section, wants the triage list of applications that didn't make
the cut by the next day ("Il listo di crappo"). At that moment Nicolette
enters bearing an envelope from NIH. Believing it contains yet another
supplement, Alfredo tosses it onto a pile and searches for his place in the
application he was reading. Just then, Wu Li enters with some important
data that must be published immediately, before competitors beat them to
it. They sing a dramatic duet ("La publicazione o il scoopo") in which
Alfredo regrets that he cannot help write the article as he must read 26
more applications before the study section meeting next  week. As Wu Li
leaves, Alfredo returns yet again to the grant application, only to be
interrupted by Kathy. She is  distraught that she hasn't gotten a raise in
the two years she has been with Alfredo. He promises her a large raise if
his own application is funded, explaining that he is waiting for the
summary statement ("Il sheeto pinko"). After their duet, Kathy leaves and
Alfredo returns once again to the application. A minute later, he jumps
from his seat and snatches the envelope he had tossed hastily onto his
desk, as he realizes suddenly that it is actually the long-awaited summary
statement ("La posta junko il sheeto pinko"). Trembling, Alfredo tears open
the envelope, then lets out a cry upon seeing the score, which is clearly
not in the fundable range. He sings a moving aria lamenting the lack of
sufficient funding for basic science and his own unfortunate lack of
success ("M io granto es  finito").   Unable to concentrate any longer,
Alfredo goes home.

 Scene 2, Alfredo's home (later that night)
Alfredo arrives home and finds Adriana, Bubba, and Julieta overjoyed  that
he has returned before they have gone to sleep. Their happiness is
short-lived, however, as he confesses the cause of  his surprise
homecoming. They are not sympathetic to the fact that only a small number
of people actually get their grant applications funded, and dismayed that
Alfredo's application was considered only "excellent"  ("Papa es un
nincompoopo"). Disheartened, Alfredo sits at his desk and begins to read
another application. Just as at work, however, he cannot read for more than
a minute before being interrupted - now by his wife and children. After a
couple of hours, Alfredo has nearly finished reading an entire page.
Unfortunately, he falls asleep before reaching the next  one.

Act III, A Holiday Inn in Valhalla, home of the Gods and Goddesses of NIH

The scene opens to reveal a large table surrounded by serious-looking men
and women. Alfredo is among the mortals, who have been invited to Valhalla
to decide the fate of 137 grant applications. At the side of the room are
the Gods and Goddesses of NIHthe program officers of the various agencies,
dressed in white tunics. They are feeding from a large tray of grapes, and
drinking decaf coffee. Stephano, the Scientific Review Administrator,
begins the meeting with an hour-long aria about the grant review process
and the need for confidentiality ("Non asko, non tello"). The first grant
application to be reviewed is one for which Alfredo was the primary
reviewer. Alfredo likes this application, which describes an imaginative
series of experiments concerning an important but little-studied biological
question ("Se succeede,  il Nobel Prizo"). Furthermore, all its key points
are presented in a single page the limit of Alfredo's attention span, given
all the interruptions he must tolerate. His enthusiasm is countered by the
other reviewer in what has come to be the most famous aria of the opera
("Non hypothesiso, non preliminary dato"). Other reviewers join in with
comments on the applicant's lack of independence and the absence of
feasibility studies, and the general observation that the problem must not
be very important or others would already be working on it.  Finally, the
Grants Technical Assistant rises and joins in the singing ("Givmi  il
floppi disco"). Everybody in the room then joins in, except for the  Gods
and Goddesses - who have moved from the grapes to a large table filled with
melon balls, which they eat with toothpicks - and a man in a Holiday Inn
uniform restocking the toothpicks. When it becomes clear that no new
comments have been made for at least 45 minutes, a vote is finally called
for, and in a dramatic moment, Alfredo sings out "1.0," while the other
reviewers vote for a worse score ("Il granto non-competitivo"). They arrive
at a consensus score of 2.0.  During the aria, the man in the Holiday Inn
uniform becomes noticeably distressed. He consumes vast quantities of
coffee and finally collapses as the application's score is announced. In a
surprise twist, one of the NIH Goddesses reveals that the man is in fact
Erminio, the applicant of the failed grant. Although fatally poisoned by
the bad coffee, Erminio sings a moving aria reflecting on the weaknesses of
the current grant review system ("Il reviewers screwed-uppo"). The opera
ends with the reviewers placing Erminio's lifeless body in the boxes that
held the discarded grant applications, and covering him with glossy photos
of his data. As the  curtain is lowered, one reviewer comments that it's a
good thing the application wasn't given a really bad score, or who knows
what the applicant would have done ("Il Unabombo").

Wilma G. (Winnie) Ennenga
Grant and Contract Administrator

Office of Grant and Contract Services
Northern Arizona University
Babbitt Administrative Center (Building 51)
Knoles Drive
Flagstaff, AZ 86011-4130

Tele. (520) 523-8319
FAX   (520) 523-1075
E-Mail: xxxxxx@nau.edu

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